Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I think my vagina is haunted
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
