sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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