Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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