Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
