i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
