Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
