Where did you get a picture of my penis
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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