how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
