Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
