he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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