I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
