i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
