U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
