i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
