Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
