I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
