Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
