Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
