I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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