Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
