i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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