thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
