I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He shit in the fireplace
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
