i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
even my farts smell like vagina
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
