My boss' voice literally gives me gas
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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