Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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