through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
