I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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