The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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