this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
