She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
