every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So much rum. So many feels.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
