Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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