My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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