YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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