you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
