I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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