i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
