this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
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