thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
