just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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