I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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