I wanna passion pit in your ass
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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