Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
