At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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