I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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