in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I did not marry a roomba.
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