i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
