Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
