it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
