party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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