First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
even my farts smell like vagina
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
