He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
