I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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