Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
