He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Randomize
