i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
