Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
