I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I haven't been this sober since birth.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
