There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
