A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
